I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
