eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
