can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
