Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
