we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
