why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
