If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
