I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
