friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
