You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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