I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You are a genius and a whore.
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