She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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