Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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