Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
