Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
