He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
