I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
