Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
