She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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