i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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