the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
