I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
