I met the friendliest cop last night
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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