he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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