Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
