If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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