Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
