Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
