So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
