Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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