My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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