Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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