I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
