when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We are all done wearing pants today
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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