Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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