I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
