i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I intend to get homeless drunk
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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