I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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