So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
