I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
