Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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