Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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