You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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