when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
