I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize