drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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