oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
