I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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