You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
