I'm pants shitting drunk right now
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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