Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
