What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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