I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
