we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
