my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
