I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
