the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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