There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
