Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
